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Bed, cat food, heels and toes

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I was flipping through a magazine today when it occurred to me just how warped our society has become. The articles in the magazine weren’t the problem. Those are just opinions and stories. We’ve known for a long time that opinions are like dirty diapers – everyone has had one at some point and they all stink.

We read the opinions just to see if there’s anyone out there whose opinion is the same as ours. Usually, we find that there is no one in the world as smart as we are.

No, the opinions aren’t the problem, the advertisements are what really soured my milk. Every one of them was like an insult to the average person’s intelligence.

One was a cat food ad, where the cat was daydreaming about sunrises and farms, butterflies and baby chicks. The ad promised an "amazing world of delight." Um… It’s cat food people!

My cat doesn’t dream about an amazing world of delight. He’s just hungry. In fact, if I turned her loose inside of that daydream, those butterflies and baby chicks would be toast. Delight would turn into Midday Massacre faster than you can say survival of the fastest. Delightful? I don’t think so.

The next ad asks an apparently tired populace if they are frustrated by the quality of their sleep. If you actually take the time to determine the answer to this question, you are probably doing way too much reading and not enough sleeping. You’ll most likely answer, "Well, now that I think about it, I do wake up sometimes. Is that bad?" Well, the ad assures us it is indeed bad, and that what we need is an electronically-controlled air mattress so that we can mess with the buttons all night to get comfortable. Isn’t making the mattress softer, then firmer, then softer, then firmer the same thing as tossing and turning all night? You’re still tossing and turning, the only difference is that the bed is doing all the work.

To be fair, the buttons do allow for some entertainment when you can’t sleep. It’s kind of like playing a really low-key video game. The up-and-down motion would probably feel like you’re a baby lying on your mommy’s bosom. In fact, it’s so realistic that consumers have started to wet the bed again. And nothing will put you to sleep faster than that, right? All they need to add is an artificial heartbeat and a coupon for Depends.

The next page showed a stunning photograph of the bottom of someone’s feet. Imagine the casting for that! The ad promised "softer feet without the fuss." What fuss? Is this really an issue for people? They are your feet! If you leave them on the ground where they belong, nobody will see the bottom of them anyway. It’s like selling a cream that makes your tongue the right color. If you leave your tongue in your mouth where it belongs, you wouldn’t worry about what color it was. I hope I didn’t just give anybody any stupid ideas.

Suffice to say that the only time rough heels might be detrimental is when you own satin sheets or Berber carpeting or when you are a foot model for no-fuss heel cream. My suggestion: Buy cotton sheets, pull up the carpeting – hardwood floors are all the rage right now – and then we won’t need foot models for no-fuss foot cream. Problem solved.

My favorite ad has to be the one that touts a plastic toe separator and says it treats foot problems. Again with the feet! If you feel the need to wear a plastic toe separator, you’ve got a whole other set of issues to address. It doesn’t say how much this state-of-the-art personal appliance costs, but there is a $15 coupon, which means it’s, well… more than that.

Imagine, though, if you will, a world where your heels are soft as a baby’s behind, you sleep on a giant breathing video game, cat food elicits delightful daydreams for your precious Fluffy, and your toes are sufficiently separated. Life would be good then, wouldn’t it?

Laura Snyder is a nationally syndicated columnist, author and speaker. You can reach Laura at lsnyder@lauraonlife.com. Or visit her website www.lauraonlife.com for more info. Laura is a syndicated columnist, author and speaker. You can reach Laura at lsnyder@lauraonlife.com Or visit her website www.lauraonlife.com for more info.


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